The Relationship Doctor - Dr. Vijay Nagaswami

Have your scotch on the rocks, not your marriage.

– Dr. Vijay Nagaswami,
‘Courtship and Marriage: a guide for Indian couples’

As arguably THE most sought after marital therapist in Chennai, Dr. Vijay Nagaswami packs in quite a schedule in an average week. For starters, there are 45 sessions a week, of which about 20 are with new clients and the balance, existing clients. That’s an average of 7.5 sessions a day, not to mention workshops on personal relationships management across India and work on his next book. I wonder how this theatre-lover still manages to catch a play or two and spend time with his wife of 18 years!

Meeting Dr. Vijay Nagaswami at his Alwarpet office/consulting room in Chennai (the other consulting room is in Kilpauk), I am struck by the tranquility of the space - nothing too bright, nothing too distracting and every little object placed in the room, exuding an understated elegance. The man himself, is every bit the gracious host, and dispels some myths while answering my volley of questions rather deftly.

So, who is Dr. Vijay Nagaswami?

His experience ranges from having been a Deputy Director of Schizophrenia Research Foundation (India) to heading the HR function in the corporate world across a range of industries to ultimately shifting focus entirely to individual therapy.

“Eight years ago, I began to notice a trend among my clients - they were increasingly approaching me to help resolve conflicts in their marriage. Having worked hard on my own marriage and learnt from it, I began the transition to becoming a relationships consultant.”he says.

Today, Vijay’s clients come from places as far flung as Guwahati, and also include a few NRIs, who consult him during their annual vacation to India, not to mention many clients from Chennai itself.

So, is there a socio-economic skew in his profile of clients? ”There’s an impression that only the well-heeled urbane westernized ‘types’ would approach a relationships consultant. That’s not true. There’s a sizeable middle-class population that is willing to invest in couples therapy and see it through.”, he shares.

How has the Indian woman changed? “The Indian Woman is more expressive than the man in articulating her needs and expectations today. As expectations have changed, tolerance levels have come down. Independence is a strong value for her.”

And the man? “The expression of machismo has changed. With globalization, there are new role models for the Indian Husband. The erstwhile role model of the father has also become less rigid. The man is more willing to engage in emotional processes than before and is also more supportive of his partner.”

“As for these two in a relationship, while women have made a successful crossover into the man’s domain in terms of workplace, the man is yet to make forays into making it a mutual crossover. They do share domestic responsibilities - this has come about out of necessity in a double income household with time at a premium. Earlier, 9 out of 10 times, the woman in a relationship used to seek help and the man used to be dragged to the therapist kicking and screaming. That has changed. Now, in 4 out of 10 instances, the man takes the initiative.”

Which brings us to homosexual couples – has he worked with any? “Sure I have. Homosexual couples have fundamentally the same issues and concerns, although social stigma to a great 
extent, impinges on the relationship.”

What about the dreaded ‘D’ word? “The oft-touted increase in divorce rate is no benchmark of the state of the institution of marriage, as the marriage rate itself is stable. Case in point - the number of divorced people in matrimonial listings!”

As an extension of his work, Vijay wrote a book for couples in 2002, Courtship and Marriage: a guide for Indian couples, published by Penguin India. The book is touted as a best seller, having gone into reprint thrice, with close to 5000 copies being sold. Vijay is more than elated by the response and not just in terms of the sales of the book. He has anecdotes aplenty on how the book, considered a must-read for Indian couples, seems to have changed some readers’ lives.

“There was this person who was on the brink of splitting up with the girl he was dating. He was travelling from Varanasi to Calcutta, and happened to read my book on the train. By the time he reached Calcutta, he literally caught the next train back as he had decided to propose marriage to her after reading the book. I was glad to hear, they had their first child recently.”, he says.

Although Vijay’s professional interest lies firmly in the institution of marriage, in January 2004 his second book, also published by Penguin India, The Splintered Mind: Understanding Schizophrenia, was launched to commemorate the 20^th anniversary of SCARF.

And his next book? “Well, it was actually the first book I wrote, a novel, which is yet to be published!”

No prizes for guessing what it’s about – marital relationships, of course!

Some interesting trends that Vijay has noticed over the years:

- 9 out of 10 times, the woman in a relationship used to seek help and the man used to be dragged to the psychotherapist kicking and screaming. That has changed. Now, in 4 out of 10 instances, the man takes the initiative.

- There’s an impression that only the well-heeled urbane westernized ‘types’ would approach a marital therapist. That’s not true. There’s a sizeable middle-class population that is willing to invest in couples therapy and see it through.

- The Indian Husband has changed quite a bit. He is less macho or rather, the expression of machismo has changed. He is more willing to engage in emotional processes than before as well as more supportive of his partner. With globalization, there are new role models for the Indian Husband and the erstwhile role model of the father, has also become less rigid.

- The Indian Wife is more expressive than the man in articulating her needs and expectations. As expectations have changed, tolerance levels have come down. Independence is a strong value.

- Indian couples: They share domestic responsibilities - this has come about out of necessity in a double income household with time at a premium. While women have made a successful crossover into the man’s domain in terms of workplace, the man is yet to make forays into making it a mutual crossover.